rando thoughts?

it's been a few weeks since i last blogged - surry friends.

anyways. i just wanted to leave a short note of how blessed i am to have the friends that i have in my life. i have great friends here in columbus and great friends at home in cincinnati as well :) there are people that have come and gone from my life over the last few years.. and i know that most of those friendships have changed because of college, but also because of my lack of being a good friend for such a long time. while in my last relationship, i became very selfish and very confused with how a friend should really act and be for someone else.. and i lost friends because of it. i've come to terms with this and apologized to some (which is difficult for me) because it's something i think about every day. i'm that person who will berate myself until i feel completely and totally horrible.. and then sometimes i'll start to forgive myself. i don't ask for forgiveness from the people i hurt because i feel like i don't deserve it. my life is so much different now than it use to be, and i'm working on who i am.

i've made many mistakes in my life.. and especially in the last few years. i changed a lot of myself and who i am for someone else - which it's definitely not that person's fault, it's my own - and i'm just now starting to get all of that back. i've been burned... ripped apart these last few months.. not only did my world radically changed, but i became so very closed off from the world. yes, i'm still that fun loving person, but i'm so afraid to really let the people who matter get close to me. it's something i've struggled with for a very long time, but now it's seeping into my relationships with people like family. i'm so disappointed in myself and how i've treated my family over the last few years.. and i wish so much i could take back my immature decisions. the people who will always be there.. the people who love me no matter what - they're the ones who get the worst from me.

so basically. i blow.

but anyways... i'm going to start working on my friendships with people. i have to let go of my absolute fear of everyone walking away.

there are my deep thoughts ... for today :) oh and sorry for the rambling... it's a problem, i know.

you stay classy.