wednesday, february 10th sean had called me to tell me that sheyenne had felt some contractions and they weren't sure what was going to happen. while in history lecture i found that my precious niece had died in her womb - the nurse could not hear her heartbeat. immediately my parents made plans to fly to fresno, as well as sheyenne's father and sister (her mother, thank G-d, was already there for a regular visit). i felt so helpless. hopeless. and lost. there was nothing i could do but sit in ohio and pray to G-d so hard that something would go right and that my brother and sister in law would be comforted.
february 11th- i skipped class that day. it took a lot for me to not burst into tears every 10 minutes or so. my best friend needed a ride to the airport, so we went to get my car and on the way there i got a text from sean saying "you're an aunt, your niece is so beautiful" and that is when it all came crashing down for me. that little girl that i planned on spoiling from day one, the beautiful sweet girl was here and gone. i felt it in my heart.
i went through the motions of the rest of the day and slept most of that night and friday. i worked friday night-saturday morning and left right away to go see my other brother and his wife. it was a sanctuary for me. i have found over the years and through the tragedies we have faced, family sometimes is all you have and all you will ever need. we didn't really talk about it and i'm grateful for that. sean finally called me on saturday and it pained me to just hear his voice. to hear his pain. i was grateful to G-d in that moment knowing that he wasn't alone - he had his wife, our parents, and her parents and sister. i wish more than anything that i could have been there. that i could have just held his hand through the memorial service and to tell him and sheyenne that they were never alone in this world and that i love them and admire them more than i could say.
i almost feel selfish for feeling so hurt by all of this. i mean, i know that whitney is my niece, but i cannot even imagine the pain sean and sheyenne feel right now, and will feel for years. people say that pain becomes easy with time, or that wounds heal with time. that's bitterly funny to me. it never becomes easier, you never necessarily heal.. you just move on. you realize that you cannot dwell in your pain or let it engulf you - you have to keep going in order to keep up with this life. my mother died 12 years ago this coming july - that pain is not easier, nor has it healed. i carry that pain with me every day. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think of her in some way. and those thoughts bring both happiness and sorrow.
it almost helps to know that baby whitney is with my mother now. i'm a firm believer in heaven, and i know both my mother and whitney are there. my aunt and my grandfather are there as well and i think some of sheyenne's family is too. that's comforting to me. i know one day that we will all be reunited, and that is what gets me through my day sometime.
sean and sheyenne have become my heroes through all of this. i know that they would never think of themselves that way - but i do. to see how much faith they have and to see how well they have handled all of this... i can't imagine. i love them more than i could express. i love all of my family and i would not trade any of them for the world. i'm so happy that my brothers have married the women they have - i am beyond blessed to have sheyenne and anne in my life, as well as my sister emily and step mom roxanne. i have also been blessed with some of the greatest friends that i will never forget and hopefully continue a relationship with until the end of time. G-d has been good to me, even when i don't see it, or refuse to.
when you go to sleep at night, whether you believe in G-d or some other higher power or not - remember how blessed you are to have the family and friends you have.
-- if you're interested in my brother and sister in law's blog -- http://churchonmission.typepad.com/seanandshey/2010/02/
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