good bye's the saddest word i'll ever hear..

so it's the crunch time of the quarter - finals are next week, but i can't even focus on that. it was a gorgeous day today, a day my mother would have loved. she would have been preparing her garden for the late spring and summer and enjoying the wonderful weather. it's days like today where i hurt the most. kenny chesney wrote "sunny days seem to hurt the most, i wear the pain like a heavy coat, i feel you every where i go.." - i love that song (who you'd be today) because it's what i wonder, what i feel especially on the good days.

a month ago today, whitney was born. i read my brother's blog entry today and my heart just hurts for them more than i could ever describe. i say it over and over again, but i am overwhelmingly proud of sean and shey. they are in a sense two of my heros.

i know grief and i know depression, but it's so different for all of us. today sean talked about how he hurt. it's really rare for people to talk about their grief or admit they're hurt. we're surrounded by a culture that focuses on moving on and doesn't necessarily focus on the need to hurt. i found this poem a few years ago and i really really like it. probably because it's true.

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive
Or how I will surely grow.

Don't tell me that this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bounds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry!

My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But, I need you now,
I need your love, unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."

By Joanetta Hendel

love to you all..