word vomit..

so every time i think of the term "word vomit" i can't help but think of mean girl's .. but regardless..

i have a case of word vomit. sometimes i can be the most closed off person - i don't want people knowing what's really going on in my little head.. knowing how much pain i feel, or disappointment, or even excitement, etc. these last 3 months have seriously been some of the hardest and sometimes i feel pathetic for that and disappointed in myself for that too. this is college - the best four years of my life - the place i'll make the best friends i'll have forever - yadda yadda yadda.. but for the life of me, i can't look at this experience that way right now. i'm so consumed with trying my hardest to keep myself together and appear happy and all that.. that i don't think i'm letting myself really feel things. i don't think i can fully just.. let go. don't look back. run free. - and there i am again.. word vomit.

i was talking to a friend tonight that i barely know, mind you, and i just like.. let loose all these feelings of how karma needs to be real so i can get something good and someone else.. well can get something bad. how terrible is that? it's embarrassing, that's true.. what is my problem? why is it that i can't just completely move on to greener pastures and all that and just feel ... free? i can't for the freaking life of me just let go and.. well let God (isn't that the saying?) .. i've struggled so much with my faith the last few years - and granted so many people tell me that that's just college: a time of questioning, learning, living, etc.. but it drives me insane. i can't let go.. i can't let go of so much stuff that has happened to me, or my family, or my friends - it's like.. i expect something to come out of holding on to all of this stinking baggage. no idea.

and here we are.. word vomit. so much of me just wants to let loose on all these things i'm feeling to two different people ... just getting it all out and being done with it. but i can't. i can't because one, it would not be pretty.. the things i have to say aren't so nice for one person.. and too personal for another. does that ever just drive you nuts?! - why isn't there a way to just tell someone how you're really feeling.. without the worry of getting hurt/hurting the other or blown off or rejected?

i'm so terrible with explaining my feelings to people.. i don't want to hurt their feelings or really put myself out there (i have a problem with being vulnerable.. but hey don't we all).. and i'm not too sure what i wanted to accomplish by writing this little blog entry.. i guess i'm kinda hoping that some day soon, i'll be able to look back at this and thank God that i'm past it. so this is me praying that i'll be past all of this... craziness soon.