eeep!

alright. i blow at this blogging thing.. seriously. but hopefully, fingers crossed, this quarter keeps up like it has, and i'll have ample time to update this :)
soooo.. it's spring quarter! WAHOOO. i mean i love fall quarter.. but i have to say, especially so far, i LOVE spring quarter. the weather has been beautiful! even though it's been a rainy day, it hasn't really gotten me down because it's warm! eeekk yes.

it's week 3 (which is kinda like holy crap, we're about 1/3 of the way through the quarter!!) and classes are going well so far.. i think. philosophy is definitely a different experience for me, but i'm glad i'm taking the class and hopefully i'll still feel that way at the end! lol. my english class is a little dry for me.. i love english and literature, but i'm just not all that pumped about 1800 british poetry. call me crazy hahh. but we're about to start frankenstein, so maybe that'll liven some stuff up for us?? the online classes are just oh so joyous again.. they're interesting, but one of my professors is just a little to excited about the course and has like 50 projects due.. uhm, hello, my name is audrey and i'm a junior with 3 other classes, yanno, no big. whatevesssss, it's working out so far :)
also.. spring has created that need for me to spring clean! my room is almost OCD-ly organized except for some things laying around haphazardly, but i'm okay with that :) i have ALL my homework done for once, which is SO weird and new, but i'm loving it! sunday was gorgeous and after i finished my homework, i figured my apartment needed some cleaning - so i cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed.. i still need to attack my nasty kitchen, but that will have to wait. i took out the trash and did some dishes, and now i'm all ready to lay in bed, do some reading for english and then sleep! is this real life?!

hoooopefully.. i'll be back to my bloggin self soon!

i'm out for nooowwww :)

rando thoughts?

it's been a few weeks since i last blogged - surry friends.

anyways. i just wanted to leave a short note of how blessed i am to have the friends that i have in my life. i have great friends here in columbus and great friends at home in cincinnati as well :) there are people that have come and gone from my life over the last few years.. and i know that most of those friendships have changed because of college, but also because of my lack of being a good friend for such a long time. while in my last relationship, i became very selfish and very confused with how a friend should really act and be for someone else.. and i lost friends because of it. i've come to terms with this and apologized to some (which is difficult for me) because it's something i think about every day. i'm that person who will berate myself until i feel completely and totally horrible.. and then sometimes i'll start to forgive myself. i don't ask for forgiveness from the people i hurt because i feel like i don't deserve it. my life is so much different now than it use to be, and i'm working on who i am.

i've made many mistakes in my life.. and especially in the last few years. i changed a lot of myself and who i am for someone else - which it's definitely not that person's fault, it's my own - and i'm just now starting to get all of that back. i've been burned... ripped apart these last few months.. not only did my world radically changed, but i became so very closed off from the world. yes, i'm still that fun loving person, but i'm so afraid to really let the people who matter get close to me. it's something i've struggled with for a very long time, but now it's seeping into my relationships with people like family. i'm so disappointed in myself and how i've treated my family over the last few years.. and i wish so much i could take back my immature decisions. the people who will always be there.. the people who love me no matter what - they're the ones who get the worst from me.

so basically. i blow.

but anyways... i'm going to start working on my friendships with people. i have to let go of my absolute fear of everyone walking away.

there are my deep thoughts ... for today :) oh and sorry for the rambling... it's a problem, i know.

you stay classy.

winter quarter blues

well i actually don't have the blues, yet.. but i'm sure they will hit soon.

i have to admit, coming back to columbus after 3+weeks at home in the nati was seriously difficult for me. normally at the end of break i'm so ready to go back to school (with the exception of spring break) and to see my friends get back to the grind, but i just couldn't get myself to be anything but sad on my way to columbus. it took everything to not sob when i said bye to my dad the night before and on my way to school during the boring drag of I-71. i told myself it would be good, that i would have fun, that i missed my friends - all of these things were true, granted.. but i just still dreading coming back. at first i though, is it because my class schedule seems very trying and difficult? or the fact that i'd have to be studying/working non-stop? no. i love being busy.. it almost drives me nuts to do absolutely nothing for days at a time... but i i just longed to stay in cincinnati. i still do, 3 days later. i feel kinda pathetic for that.. but oh well it happens.

i had a really great break this time around.. i got to see a lot of my friends and hang out with them constantly. i got the closure i've been needing and craving for months.. and i finally just felt good. constantly good. that's been hard for me to come by in the last 3ish months, but i got there and let me tell ya - it felt pretty darn good.

now that i'm back at school i'm doing better.. spent my first day back buying books, organizing and hanging out with my roomie :) tuesday was the first day of classes which was exciting and very overwhelming at the same time. i'm taking a full course load this quarter with one of the hardest classes of my major requirements as well as some other super difficult classes.. hopefully this whole no class MWF thing will give me plenty of study time. also - if you ever visit my bedroom here, you'll soon see pictures of the brain, neurons with synapses, etc posted all over my walls... because i have to memorize them. sick. oh and court cases.. i have to know a bunch of those too.. and the amendments.. woooho.

but on a very pleasing note... THE BUCKS WON THE SUGAR BOOOWWWLLLLLL. to all you haters out there, hate away. yes i know the 5 buckeyes who messed up played tuesday night but let me enlighten you - 1) most of buckeye nation would have rather them not played but be back for next season, 2) they've apologized multiple times, and buckeye nation is still making fun of them/disappointed, 3) the reason they played in the sugar bowl is because of money. not ohio state or jim tressel, 4) if any of the 5) leave for the NFL, then buckeye nation says see ya! and they will fall in a category among maurice clarrett. annnnd lastly 6) get over it, we finally beat an SEC team :) (ps, had arkansas picked up that blocked kick, they would have beaten us - whoops!)

sorrrrryy for that rant, it was just necessary

but my short break is coming to an end - and i have to go back outside in the cold to walk to my next class.. did i mention i HATE winter and cold weather (toldya the hatred would soon come after christmas ;) )

so my quote to leave you with issss:

"feelings are not suppose to be logical. dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions." - David Borenstein (thanks katie!!)

and a little picture loving :)

bucket list :)

alright.. i keep saying i want that on my bucket list.. so i need to actually write this stuff down! so here goes, in no particular order...

1) go to italy (va in italia!) -- all of italy people, ALL OF IT.

2) ride a tractor.. judge away, but i've always wanted to live on a farm.

3) sing in a recording studio - no, i'm not really good.. it's just one of those dreams

4) visit the homeland ;) aka ireland

5) get a tattoo for my momma (CHECK)

6) bungee jump (CHECK)

7) sky dive

8) make a wish on a shooting star - yeah, i'm that lame hahaha

9) run a marathon

10) visit all the national parks in the US

11) eat a croissant in paris and visit the louvre! (manger un croissant a paris et visite du musee du louvre)

12) go white water rafting (CHECK)

13) own a horse - (yes.. i still want a pony, and yes i'm 5 years old haha)

14) see the Macy's Day Parade in New York!

15) see a broadway play.. ON broadway

16) go to the Grand Ole Opery

17) visit the french quarter in New Orleans

18) learn to salsa

19) learn to swing dance (CHECK)

20) scuba dive of the great barrier reef :)

21) really impact someone's life - not sure if that's possible.. and it seems selfish too :/ but i know there's so many wonderful people who have impacted me.

22) hike pike's peak!

23) see an eclipse

24) well.. obviously - become a lawyer :)

25) go on a road trip - with no plans or destination planned. that would make my anxiety nuts :)

26) live in another country for 6 months - preferably europe somewhere

27) see the rain forest in south america

28) go on a mission trip in a foreign country (CHECK)

29) see pompeii

30) ride a real/adult roller coaster

31) visit a castle in england - and stone hedge.

32) go on a cruise

33) drive.. or be driven on the autobahn in germany :) - i'm a baby.. hahaha

34) learn how to surf

35) learn how to play the guitar

36) go parasailing

37) see a real moose - yes. this is that important. hahaah

38) jump off a huge rock/cliff thing into water (CHECK, CHECK)

39) see the grand canyon

40) also.. i want to see all of greece - and sorry, i don't know greek, just french and italian hah

41) i would like to see cairo, egypt

42) visit the holy lands

43) i want to seeeeee the burning man thing in nevada

44) real oktoberfest in munich

45) mardis gras in new orleans :)

46) visit san francisco and see the g.g.b. (CHECK)

47) go to boston

48) go to washington d.c. (CHECK)

49) see shamu hhahaha

50) volunteer at a battered women's shelter

51) marry the love of my life

52) let go of pain and things i cannot change

53) become a judge

54) have a family

55) experience true and utter bliss -- is that really possible? :P

56) make my mom proud of me.

57) discover myself in the process of all of this.

58) see a U.S. Supreme Court decision .. at the supreme court :)

so uh.. there it is. i'll add more i'm sure as my life goes on :)

word vomit..

so every time i think of the term "word vomit" i can't help but think of mean girl's .. but regardless..

i have a case of word vomit. sometimes i can be the most closed off person - i don't want people knowing what's really going on in my little head.. knowing how much pain i feel, or disappointment, or even excitement, etc. these last 3 months have seriously been some of the hardest and sometimes i feel pathetic for that and disappointed in myself for that too. this is college - the best four years of my life - the place i'll make the best friends i'll have forever - yadda yadda yadda.. but for the life of me, i can't look at this experience that way right now. i'm so consumed with trying my hardest to keep myself together and appear happy and all that.. that i don't think i'm letting myself really feel things. i don't think i can fully just.. let go. don't look back. run free. - and there i am again.. word vomit.

i was talking to a friend tonight that i barely know, mind you, and i just like.. let loose all these feelings of how karma needs to be real so i can get something good and someone else.. well can get something bad. how terrible is that? it's embarrassing, that's true.. what is my problem? why is it that i can't just completely move on to greener pastures and all that and just feel ... free? i can't for the freaking life of me just let go and.. well let God (isn't that the saying?) .. i've struggled so much with my faith the last few years - and granted so many people tell me that that's just college: a time of questioning, learning, living, etc.. but it drives me insane. i can't let go.. i can't let go of so much stuff that has happened to me, or my family, or my friends - it's like.. i expect something to come out of holding on to all of this stinking baggage. no idea.

and here we are.. word vomit. so much of me just wants to let loose on all these things i'm feeling to two different people ... just getting it all out and being done with it. but i can't. i can't because one, it would not be pretty.. the things i have to say aren't so nice for one person.. and too personal for another. does that ever just drive you nuts?! - why isn't there a way to just tell someone how you're really feeling.. without the worry of getting hurt/hurting the other or blown off or rejected?

i'm so terrible with explaining my feelings to people.. i don't want to hurt their feelings or really put myself out there (i have a problem with being vulnerable.. but hey don't we all).. and i'm not too sure what i wanted to accomplish by writing this little blog entry.. i guess i'm kinda hoping that some day soon, i'll be able to look back at this and thank God that i'm past it. so this is me praying that i'll be past all of this... craziness soon.

100.. truths? what's upppp myspace? hahah

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 100 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 (or 10ish...) people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. Tagged means "I'm interested in knowing what are your 100 truths".

-- thanks rachael, hopefully this is my cure for my insomnia

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage: miiiiilk.

2. Last phone call: kimmy

3. Last text message: katie

4. Last song you listened to: wake up older - julie roberts

5. Last time you cried: sadly, about 10 minutes ago.

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Got back with someone you've broken up with: yes.

7. Been cheated on: yes.

8. Kissed someone & regretted it: no.

9. Lost someone special: too many.

10. Been depressed: in this world lately.. who hasn't at some point?

11. Been drunk and threw up: sick.. yeah.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. blue

13. purple

14. green

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)

15. Made a new friend: many :)

16. Fallen out of love: negative..

17. Laughed until you cried: yes thankfully.

18. Met someone who changed you this year: hmm we will see.

19. Found out who your true friends were: fortunately/unfortunately yes.

20. Found out someone was talking about you: eh who cares anymore.

21. Kissed anyone on your Facebook friend's list: haha yes.

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: i would say 99%

24. Do you have any pets?: susie cat :)

25. Do you want to change your name: nahh, it's legit.

26. What did you do for your last birthday? went out with some of my greatest friends :)

27. What time did you wake up? uhh 915?

28. What were you doing at midnight last night?: tossing and turning i'm sure.

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: seeing my dad again.

30. Last time you saw your Mother: july 15, 1998

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: hmm honestly, just my outlook on myself. which is something i can and will change.

32. What are you listening to right now: ahh this reminds me of myspace.. hmm. brokenhearted girl - beyonce.

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: yes sir.

34. Who is getting on your nerves now?: uhh no one?

35. Most visited webpage: my email.

36. What is your real name: audrey

37. Nicknames: auds, audders, audio, fitz, wilson, dubbs.

38. Relationship Status: single. well.. "dating" amy. hahah

39. Zodiac sign: libra

40. Male or female?: female

41. Primary School?: c-rain, all the way.

42. Secondary School?: ditto.

43. High school/college?: c-rain and the ohio state university :)

44. Hair color: brunette

45. Long or short: long.

46. Height: 5'3"

48: What do you REALLY REALLY like about yourself?: i'll care about you the instant i know your name.

49 Piercings: ears.

50: Tattoos: right ankle, soon to be ribs.

51. Righty or lefty? righty tighty

FIRST:

52. First surgery: teeth pulled.

53. First piercing: ears

54. First best friend?: rebecca

56. First vacation: uh florida is the earliest one i remember!

57. First pair of trainers: trainers? i'm confused?

RIGHT NOW:

58. Eating: nothing.

59. Drinking: nada.

60. I'm about to: hopefully sleep.

61. Listening to: jeebs! hearbeats - jose gonzalez

62. Waiting on: sleeeepp..

63. I'm feeling: ehhh.

YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids?: most definitely.

65. Get married?: i hope so.

66. Career: lawyer

67. Lips or eyes: eyes

68. Hugs or kisses: depends on the person lol

69. Shorter or taller: taller

70. Older or Younger: older.

71. Romantic or spontaneous: so myspace... i'm good with spontaneous, but i'm a romantic.

72. Nice stomach or nice arms: who cares?

73. Sensitive or loud: sensitive?

74. Hook-up or relationship: relationship.. what is this? freshman year?

HAVE YOU:

75. Kissed a stranger: yes

76. Drank hard Liquor: si si senor.

77. Lost glasses/contacts: negativo.

78. Sex on first date: nah brah. not my thing.

79. Broken someone's heart: ehh.

80. Been arrested: hahahahah no.

81. Turned someone down: yes

82. Cried when someone died: uh, yes..

83. Fallen for a friend: mhmmm

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: mostly.

86. Heaven: yesss.

87. Santa Claus: aww santy clauseeee

88. Kiss on the first date: why not?

89. Angels: to some extent.

90. God: always.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

91. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: no thanks.

92. Did you sing today?: hah definitely.

93. Did something illegal?: who hasn't?

94. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: i wouldn't.

95. The moment you would choose to relive?: childhood with my mom.

96. Are you afraid of falling in love?: sure?

97. When was the last time you lied?: earlier today.

98. Are you usually late, early or right on time?: early.

99. Would you give your life to save someone else's?: yes.

100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: gosshhhh i feel like a 7th grader.

why hello december..

hmm.. this could potentially be the only post i ever make loving on december/winter/snow.. because that first month or so is just sooooo exciting! so.. here goes.

it's december 1st... there's something about the first of the month that is kinda, well hopeful. it's a new month - that means new changes, new surprises, maybe new friends or classes, etc. i have two more classes (after 1148) of this quarter.. that's a little nuts. finals are just a sneeze away basically - one on friday, project due tuesday, homework due wednesday and my last final next thursday.. and it's so weird to think that this quarter is basically over. THANK GOD. around this time you can always see on facebook people complaining about finals, papers, projects, etc and praying for the quarter/semester to just be done, and i am one of those people. granted academically this quarter hasn't been too hard for me.. but mentally and emotionally, this quarter has been one of my hardest of my college career. so in that aspect, i'm ready for it to

be over. i'm ready for some more changes to happen in my life and i really hope that all of those are positive ones, ones that will make me feel like i've accomplished something, ones that make me feel like these last 3 months of.. well crap, will pay off in my favor. let karma give me a little somethin somethin you know?! who knows what the heck that means anymore or if anything crazy will change... but i can hope. and i can try.

when i woke up this morning and checked my email and facebook.. yes, while i was in bed, i kept seeing statuses about snow. ahhh snow. i was kind of excited to walk to class this morning (with coffee in hand so no one died today) and thus when i walked out the door welcoming the snow on the ground.. i almost lost my life. to the sheet of ice. at my door. waiting. and if you know me, you know that i make random noises all the time, and have no fail - i yelped. it was frightening to say the least, but hey, i made it to class all in one piece, no bruises (from the ice - there are 2 very

large ones from THE Game.. not sure why...) whew. but have no fear - my bitterness towards the snow and ice hasn't begun.. i still hope that it snows when i'm walking around all over campus today.

and here's a toast, to december: please be a month of those good tidings we sing about in christmas songs. let there be only good things this month (please i think i deserve some good stuff) - here's to snow, ice skating, festival of lights at the zoo with good friends, hot chocolate, sledding like a 5 year old, christmas tree hunting with my family, present shopping, decorating with snowmen and santas and candy canes, fireplaces, christmas movies, caroling, cookie making, just hanging out with friends and/or family.. here's to all of that and then some. soooo comeeeeee onnnn december! be good to us :)

and a little throw back to last year with myranda and autumn ice skating :)

have a great first of december everyone :) i hope you can enjoy the snow here in the midwest.... or at least act like you have some :)

"if i can help somebody as i pass along, if i can cheer somebody with a word or song, if i can show somebody he's traveling wrong, then my living will not be in vain. if i can do my duty as a christian ought, if i can bring salvation to a world once wrought, if i can spread the message as the master taught, then my living will not be in vain." -- martin luther king jr. :: unfulfilled dreams